Friendships require reciprocity

For so long, I never understood how to make friends or what healthy friendships looked like. How do you do it? How do you break in? And that's the thing: it felt like cracking a code, banging down a brick wall with bare hands. 

I remember being in elementary and middle school, not knowing what to say or how to join in. It seemed everyone already knew each other, and encoded in the notes they passed were secret agreements to avoid me. There was nothing worse than facing the playground.

I was always unsure and lacking confidence. Instead of compassion, groups reacted to that with bared teeth. Without a tribe, my neck was vulnerable — they wanted to trample me before eating me the fuck up. Frenemies of yore used to throw things at me at lunch or tease me relentlessly because I hadn't started shaving yet and I was in the "gifted" class (which meant I was a special needs child). One time, a girl named Chantel called me a “big-ass blueberry” because I was 5 '8'' in 6th grade and decided to color-block royal blue from head-to-toe (including matching jewelry). The epitome of fashion now, a death wish, then. 

In high school, my so-called girlfriends were cruelly competitive in a stereotypically teenaged way. They acted like friends when it was beneficial, but it was another story behind closed doors. Any social misstep was a license to attack the other person’s confidence. Mean Girl #1 called moments after my loverboy (who looked just like David Bowie 😍 *swoon* ) broke up with me, and the news spread through the senior class ranks like wildfire. Without saying hello, she said, "He broke up with you because you’re weird. You do it to yourself." 

As I matured, my desire for kinship continued to mix with confusing messages about my worth and lovability. I got obsessed with chasing unavailable people. I used the internet to fuel my search for someone to reject me so that I could confirm how defective I was. I ate up all the niblets I could about the latest #WCW I was trying to befriend. I'd DM local, popular, influencer-looking types asking to meet up, then watch them leave me on read or claim they “wanted to” next week but never follow up. 

There was also an era of my friendships when people publicly montaged birthdays of those they loved. "HBD, bestie! We've been through it all!" followed by 20 pictures of them together at the gym, on beaches, or in front of national landmarks in varying stages of drunkenness. When my birthday came around, no such thing. They might have texted me (if they remembered) but there was no celebratory outpouring about my impact on their life, followed by wishes for my happiness. Behind the scenes, though, I was busy doing double-time as the shoulder to cry on, the crisis management expert, the designated driver, the voice of reason and the words of affirmation generator.

I’ve always had a natural curiosity for people – but no one has ever seemed very interested in me. Shit, my ex of three and a half years didn’t even know my coffee order, though I drank it in front of him weekly. Sometimes, I'd check on old friends, just to be met by a one-sided conversation where I'd learn of their recent marriage, renovated house, hemorrhoid issues and sleep troubles – but they'd never ask me anything. I’ve always felt kinda…around…in people’s lives, floating in the periphery. This theme splatter-painted my life, and I pretended not to notice. I chalked it up to people being people or accused myself of “reading into things”.

Also, having been raised in a predominantly white area (and being highly assimilated) — almost all of my friends have been white. I could be the nicest, most personable girl in the world, but at the end of the day, I’m still black. Even though I don’t think anyone has been intentionally unwelcoming, my race affects friendship dynamics more than I care to explore or admit. I’m usually the only black girl in a room (it’s because of where I live, there’s no conspiracy here lol). But it isn’t far-fetched that my friendship troubles have to do with that. It’s actually been affirmed a few times; using innocuous language, a pal would venture, “Umm, I think people can be… intimidated by you.”

And to continue on social dynamics, it turned out that most folks were merely drinking buddies and partners in messiness. In 2021, during my first stint off the sauce (six months), I stopped getting invited out, and my phone got real dry. The people by my side during my heavy drinking days were oddly mute. Their sudden absence made my ears perk up; I heard the silence of my life fill the room in big, luscious waves. I had to accept that our relationships were pretty shallow; we served a specific purpose in each other's lives, and it timed out accordingly. 

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A turning point was when I heard on a podcast that the tenets of true friendship are mutual interest, reciprocity and vulnerability.

I tallied which friendships that described (answer: very few). It made it more apparent how much I had done to initiate and maintain everything. From birthday gifts and remembering milestones to showing up when no one else would – I did it all and asked for nothing in return. I didn't even think I needed anything in return. I felt I didn't deserve to be loved because I was always drunk, hungover or apologizing for something. I figured neglect was a proper punishment for being a liability.

But that was untrue, I didn’t deserve that.

The podcast explained the core of relational indifference, bullying or fair-weather behavior.

Essentially, people have treated me how they feel about me.

meaning…

They do not like me.

meaning…

They do not want to be friends with me. 

I found relief in the simplicity: it all made sense. If someone’s actions (or lack thereof) show they don’t want to be friends, invest in my life, or let me into theirs, it isn’t an invitation to dig deeper. Learning to read the room and handle rejection has been a huge part of my recent development/EI.

Not only that, but I have accepted the dynamics of my past relationships (and my part in them) and I’m ready to move on. If someone doesn't want me, I don't want them either and good luck to both of us. I’ve learned that it’s essential to find “your people” — and for the first time, I believe they are out there waiting for me. ♥️

— M